Social Anxiety is much more than just being shy and awkward. Your mind is constantly wondering and questioning things like what should I say? Should I say anything at all? Will this make me look stupid? and more. You could be in a room full of people and your social anxiety makes you think that they all don't like you or they are all staring at you or something. You have a hard time with eye contact because of it. I fidget a lot because of it. It's isolating but I have been getting better with it since using social media. I am better talking in text than in voice. I tend to talk to fast and my voice trembles and I sometimes stutter. Social Anxiety makes you feel invisible. You can get better with time and with people who understand you. It's hard finding people who understand you though. I don't have many people who understand me.
I've always been the quiet one all through school and even now. I have a few close friends who I love. I would be the one in the back reading and hoping I didn't get called on. I hated when we had to get in groups for projects because I was always last to find a group and I was usually put into one like a 3rd wheel or something. I always did my best work alone without having to depend on anyone else.I always hated being the first one done with a test or something. I always waited for others to be done before I got up.
Knowing there are thousands of people out there who feel the way I do does make me feel better it always does. I often get so nervous when I am with people and hardly like doing anything but when I am by myself I can do just about anything. It's freeing to me to be by myself.
It's hard to make friends being the way that I am. I love the fandoms I belong to but I always long to have friendships in those fandoms. I see other people being friends and I wish I could have that but I never know how to go about doing it.
This is basically me everyday and it is really sad. I always keep hoping that one day I will have online friends again.
I get told things like "don't be shy", "Don't you ever speak?", and "Don't be nervous". This by people who are close to me actually and it hurts. It's not like a light switch I can just turn off and on. It's doesn't work like that.
It makes you want to grab people and shake them and say "what don't you understand? I can't just not be shy or anxious or nervous." That's when you wish you had someone who understood you instead of belittling you. People with social anxiety don't want to have it. We don't want to be shy, awkward, quiet, and nervous. We don't want to constantly have "what if" thoughts running through our heads. We want to be like everyone else but we're not. This is who we are. We struggle with this everyday. We are kind, loving, compassionate, passionate, hard working, and friendly and people would know that if they would just get to know us and let us show them who we really are. We often get dismissed and ignored for being quiet and sometimes we don't even get seen. We want to have friendships, relationships, and live normal lives but it's really hard for us. A little understanding and kindness goes a long way.
In a world where I don't often feel like I belong anywhere, my Idol Jennifer Morrison and my favorite shows and fandoms make me feel like I do belong somewhere no matter how alone and invisible I feel sometimes. I relate to Emma Swan on a personal level she never felt like she belonged anywhere and always thought she would be alone forever and she found where she belongs and that makes me feel and believe that I will too! It's my dream to meet Jennifer Morrison someday and I pray every night that it comes true!
This is my life. This is what I have to deal with just about everyday. It's hard but all I can do is take it day by day and hope that one day I will find my happiness and life passion. If I can make it through this you can too. Never give up hope!
I love Jennifer Morrison with all of my heart!
~Peace and Love~
